Wonderful way to start a post, right? 134 AM EST, under medicated, unemployed, and still trying to fight the system. I like to think I am a woman of my principals, including the whole not going back on what I believe in thing, so I won't. Sometimes, I worry I am wrong. What could I be missing? I am hearing the same information that everyone else is, why are they seeing how any of this can be good, and I can't. Am I just getting older and even more bitter than my life has made me already? I don't want to believe that, but it seems more likely.
Family issues are especially bitter topics, as my family and I have never really gotten along well. There is a wonderful quote that goes with it, and that is "I could live 1000 years... I would never be more than an after thought." I have never been especially important to them, unless it was to make sure I was around to be an emotional and verbal punching bag. Then I had the surgery and thought they could actually care. I mean, they wanted me alive, right? Its been 8 years, and it seems the whole thing is just more to hang over my head. Mom thinks I love owing her money and taking it. I don't. I don't want them in my life... I have to have them there... thats what pisses me off. I just haven't been able to establish much of a life to be able to kick them out of it. Emotional toll of preparing one's self for death has that effect on you... it doesn't take a couple hours or a couple days to recoup and reset and go on living... in my case, I have never really come out of it... but then again, I never had the chance or the time to. Until recently, I have been trapped inside the mindset of a person who was supposed to not have lived past 16. I hit a psychological speed bump. I just stopped.
Japan came along and I learned that almost everyone around me is my enemy. I took a couple deep blows, but in the end, I was able to, on my own, pick myself up, redirect, and push forward. It is this that I have to thank for my bilingualism. I learned that yes, I can keep my depression in check, given the outside factors are dealt with accordingly (for a while I slept with a knife next to my door). I learned that not only can I adapt to a surrounding, but thrive in it.
I came home, and it was more of the same. I graduated, but the stupidity and incompetence of the people around me wore on me, and I began to look older than I am. I became tired all the time and my sarcasm cut a little deeper. I became a violent driver when provoked. I once flipped a guy off so hard I strained the tendon in my hand and couldn't move it for 2 days. Every day I drove added 10 years onto my life... I am actually owing time.
Then WoW came along, and I had an escape while I found a way out. While I was (and still am, mind you) on there, I met amazing people... including my ex boyfriend and now my current one. Current boyfriend was introduced to me by a then mutual friend, because my ex wasn't really interested in being in an actual relationship. From December to March, he pursued me, almost daily, asking me to leave my ex for him. I was blind... I wanted to make my relationship work... but sadly, I had to finally realize that because of what types of relationships he was used to, it wasn't going to work. Not with my need to be abroad. So I went to Canada and went for an interview for AEON Corp (A teaching thing in Japan), met a WoW friend (Jetti, my samurai), and on my last day took a side trip to Cambridge to meet my friend. We visited, played video games, cuddled, snuggled, and made out on the floor in his room, in his driveway, and in the stairwell.
Before you all start yelling 'whore' like my dad did, let me clarify a few things. First of all, by this time, my relationship with my ex was all but over. I needed his encouragement before my interview, and I got his friend with benefits on his screen name instead. And I had always liked my friend... ever since I met him. He is charming, loving, has an amazing sense of humor, and downright adores me. There really was no way for him to make me love him more (which is what he wanted to make happen, since I was still in my past relationship). We met... and we just clicked. I would say it was, at least on my end, love at first sight, but that would be lying. It was love at first chat. I just... apparently needed it reconfirmed to me. I still apologize for how long it took me to realize it. I was a moron.
That was when things just... started to look up for me. I didn't get the job with AEON, so fucking what. It took a bit of time, but I found a position in China. Contracts signed, I should be able to be there by July 15th at the earliest. Zhangjiajie is beautiful, and spending 10 months there will, most likely, be a good thing for me. Give me a chance to get experience, give me a chance to learn more about myself. I may even take up painting again. Matt and I became official May 4th... a month and a half after we met in person, and I haven't been happier. And he doesn't mind that I will be gone. I know he will be faithful to me, as I will to him.
We also started joking about marriage, which also touched off family issues. Matt absolutely despises the way my parents tend to treat me.... and he hates it even more than he can't be here to help protect me. He said one day that if and when we do get married, he doesn't want them to be there, especially my mother. Now, I can see where that could be a problem, but I am hoping they iron themselves out... if we still don't want my mum there, then it isn't exactly that big of a loss. Mom and I were talking about my relationship 2 days ago, and I could tell she wasn't listening. So I pointed my finger in her face and said, bluntly, "Look, he may be your future Son In Law". Aaaand that got her attention quick. Her face took on the 'deer in front of the headlights of a car' look. I had to bite my tongue from saying "And he already doesn't like you." Now, why were we discussing this? Because I had a job and after a week they let me go, simply because I asked for shorter hours because of my neck and back. And why does this relate to my relationship? Because I am supposed to go and spend a nice and long weekend with Matt at his home in Canada while his parents are camping (he was supposed to come here to go to a wedding, but cannot). This will, most likely, be the last time I will be able to see him before China... and 10 months with only Skype will be difficult. Mom immediately told dad she didn't want me to go. This is where my father surprised me. He basically told her to go fuck herself. It was amazing. So long story short, I am still going.
I actually also figured out that the little spasm I feel in my brain when I watch the news is not good. So now, I just... try not to pay attention. Its been months since Obama was elected, and he has had a press conference daily since. He has also had a bunch of town hall meetings. Wanna know what I say? GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BACK TO WASHINGTON AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. Jesus Christ! Waste more fuel to fly your wife to NYC for a fucking night. Go to these towns who are suffering because of the economy and tell them you are gonna help them, but then put your finger in your nose. Just prance about and get more feed for your giant ego. Go ahead. Then when shit tanks, I hope someone takes a pin to it and it takes you out along with it. And as far as your vice president? SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO.... HIDE UNDER A ROCK OR WHAT EVER ELSE YOU ASSHATS DO. Biden is one of the most amazing and predictable foot-in-mouth examples on the face of the planet. What was the one on the news today... about how they know that there will be massive waist of the bailout and stimulus money. DON'T FUCKING TELL US THAT! THERE GOES YOUR FUCKING CREDIBILITY! Like you really had a lot to begin with. Nancy Pelosi? GIVE US PROOF, OR RESIGN. ITS THAT EASY. Go ahead and claim that the FBI (the fucking FBI for Christ's sake) lied to you. Go ahead. But you better be prepared to back up your accusations. The FBI is pretty major. They are like... major. There is no other word for it. And then for her to say "Well, I don't want to talk about this anymore"... I was stunned. I was like *cleans ears* did I just hear what I thought I heard? Everyone, on both sides of the isle, were like ".... excuse me?" YOU'RE THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. THE FUCKING HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. YOU ARE THIRD IN LINE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IF SOMETHING HAPPENS.... AND YOU DO.... THIS? I think we have a problem. Resign, you stupid wench. I am sick of hearing you talk. Give me proof or fucking resign.
Oh, and to top it off, that senator that was sleeping around. Like that even surprises us anymore.
I guess thats it for this round. Thank you all for letting me clarify and then letting me take out my frustration on the system. If there is anything all this has had to teach me, its that I should flee the country.
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